CBO warns of impending email scarcity

May 23, 2014

Washington- The Congressional Budget Office today released a report warning of an impending scarcity of electronic messages and digital data communications, commonly known as ‘emails'. “For too long, Americans have been recklessly sending emails, with no regard to future emails”, said CBO director Douglas Elmendorf. “We are now downgrading our Outlook outlook for the next 10 years. Unless Congress can get it’s emailing under control, our nation’s ability to send digital communications in the future will be compromised.”

According to the report, at the current rate of emailing, even our retirees who still use MSN could be in danger. Additionally, the Gmail Trust Fund is running low, and is on track to be completely defunct of clicking-capacity by 2032. Fix the Emails CEO Paul Paulson was quick to join the fray, saying “for too many years, we have been sending more emails than we have been receiving. This profligate emailing is unsustainable, and we immediately need to enact reforms to get us on a path to balanced-emailing. Its not like we can just create these things out of thin air!” Former Wyoming Senator Bart Simpson added: “40 years ago when I was 83, we were still buying stamps and licking envelopes. If we’re not careful, the country could be forced to default back to snail mail. How will my long-lost Nigerian relatives contact me then?” said the nervous Senator.

Representative Paul Ryan had been eagerly awaiting this report, saying “If we keep borrowing these emails from China, eventually they are going to email us back. One day our children and grandchildren will suffer under the weight of having to read these Chinese emails. And with my recent cuts to education funding, good luck getting our kids to read anything...the Chinese write up and down, for Gods sake! And if you thought the Nigerian prince emails were bad, wait till you see the Chinese ones”, Ryan exclaimed.

E-mail-conomist experts have concluded that these Chinese emails are even more dangerous than previously thought. A recent study from the Center for Responsible Messaging  indicated that no matter how many of these Chinese emails stuff your inbox, you’ll just be emailing again in an hour or two. Perpetually accurate and prescient investor Peter Schnitt added "we are on the verge of a messaging collapse, and hyper-emailing is right around the corner. This is a great time to buy gold!"

However, notable economist Paul Krugperson had a slightly different view. “Right now, email interest is too low, because the NSA has been pumping trillions of emails into the economy. We actually need to send more emails in the short term, not less. As long as we eventually balance our emails in the long run, we should be fine. Want proof? Just look at these lines on a graph that someone made up 40 years ago” the economist said. At press time, the Postmaster General was not available for comment.