Sociopath Minority Takes Control of World’s Most Powerful Government

Washington- The nation’s psychologists warned today that a small group of elderly Caucasians, suffering from what has become known as Anti-Social Personality Disorder, or more commonly sociopathy, have now taken control over the government of the United States of America. According to the American Psychological Association, sociopathy is traditionally defined as a personality disorder characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse, disinhibited or bold behavior, and frequent visits to large, inhospitable areas of green turf known as ‘golf courses.’

Often referred to as ‘Republicans’, these perpetually enraged, pathologically self-centered Aglo-Europeans now control healthy majorities in both chambers of the federal legislature of the United States. Running on a well-financed and wildly successful campaign of “Eeeek, Look at that Black Guy”, these men and women will now be able to mount successful challenges to the melanin-rich Chief Executive of the United States, who at the time of this writing wields approximately as much national influence as a part-time file clerk.

Sources on the ground are also reporting that powerful committees within the United States Senate will now be controlled by these elderly white men of almost comic-level villainy. The Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, for example, will be chaired by Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. Mr. Inhofe firmly believes that global climate change resulting from 150 years of intensive fossil fuel combustion and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt by thousands of independent scientific analyses, is quote ‘the largest hoax ever perpetrated by mankind’.

Similarly, the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs will be chaired by Alabama Senator and part-time toad impersonator Richard Shelby, who recently voted against Janet Yellen’s nomination as Federal Reserve chair citing “deep concerns about Dr. Yellen’s Keynesian bias toward inflation as a member of the Federal Open Market Committee.” Mr. Shelby also has the honorable distinction of having previously chaired this financial oversight committee from the years 2003-2007, during which the largest housing and financial bubble in the history of the United States grew uncontrollably, causing a historical financial crisis which nearly brought down the economy of the United States. Ironically it was this very crash, and the anemic economy that followed, which would result in Mr. Shelby returning to this same chairmanship a mere 8 years later.

Leadership of this legislative body is likely to be held by Kentucky Senator and Sociopath-in-Chief Mitch McConnell. Known for his affection for billionaires and deep seated hatred for the remaining bulwarks of democracy, Mr. McConnell is celebrating a double-digit victory over an opponent of his own. As minority leader in previous years, Mr. McConnell was well-known as the mastermind of a brilliant and successful strategy of “Stop the Black Guy.” As a reward for this exemplary service to the people of the United States, Mr. McConnell will now become one of the most powerful men in the world.

As a result of these events, the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta has released an emergency advisory, urging Americans to “shelter in place, until 2020 at the absolute earliest. Due to a horrifying contamination of the US electoral system by billions of tainted dollars, we also strongly advise Americans not to attempt any sort of civic engagement. Our recent laboratory tests have confirmed that doing so will just lead to the same shitty results anyway. Save yourselves, then save the children.”