May 23, 2014
Washington- The Congressional Budget Office today released a
report warning of an impending scarcity of electronic messages and digital data
communications, commonly known as ‘emails'. “For too long, Americans have been
recklessly sending emails, with no regard to future emails”, said CBO director
Douglas Elmendorf. “We are now downgrading our Outlook outlook for the next 10
years. Unless Congress can get it’s emailing under control, our nation’s
ability to send digital communications in the future will be compromised.”
According to the report, at the current rate of emailing,
even our retirees who still use MSN could be in danger. Additionally, the Gmail
Trust Fund is running low, and is on track to be completely defunct of clicking-capacity
by 2032. Fix the Emails CEO Paul Paulson was quick to join the fray, saying “for
too many years, we have been sending more emails than we have been receiving.
This profligate emailing is unsustainable, and we immediately need to enact
reforms to get us on a path to balanced-emailing. Its not like we can just create these things out of thin air!” Former Wyoming Senator Bart
Simpson added: “40 years ago when I was 83, we were still buying stamps and
licking envelopes. If we’re not careful, the country could be forced to default
back to snail mail. How will my long-lost Nigerian relatives contact me then?” said
the nervous Senator.
Representative Paul Ryan had been eagerly awaiting this
report, saying “If we keep borrowing these emails from China, eventually they
are going to email us back. One day our children and grandchildren will suffer
under the weight of having to read these Chinese emails. And with my recent cuts to education funding, good luck getting our kids to read anything...the Chinese write up and down, for Gods sake! And if you thought the
Nigerian prince emails were bad, wait till you see the Chinese ones”, Ryan
exclaimed.
E-mail-conomist experts have concluded that these Chinese emails are
even more dangerous than previously thought. A recent study from the Center for
Responsible Messaging indicated that no
matter how many of these Chinese emails stuff your inbox, you’ll just be
emailing again in an hour or two. Perpetually accurate and prescient investor Peter Schnitt added "we are on the verge of a messaging collapse, and hyper-emailing is right around the corner. This is a great time to buy gold!"
However, notable economist Paul Krugperson had a slightly
different view. “Right now, email interest is too low, because the NSA has been
pumping trillions of emails into the economy. We actually need to send more
emails in the short term, not less. As long as we eventually balance our emails
in the long run, we should be fine. Want proof? Just look at these lines on a
graph that someone made up 40 years ago” the economist said. At press time, the
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